Kalgoorlie Miner (22): Verandah - Part One

Blimey it’s hot out the front, but it’s either this or the damp, stagnant jungle out the back. Question: Flies or mosquitoes? Answer: Flies – they don’t inject piss into you. Question: Melanoma or Ross River virus? Answer: Melanoma – you can cut it out. Question: People-watching or introspection? Answer: People-watching in summer, introspection in winter. The front verandah it is.

Curse this daylight saving. I like to think I’m Progressive, but give me cooler earlier over lighter longer anyday. Sam the Stubborn Boilermaker (is there another kind?) was right about it all along. Note to self: Don’t tell him that. Can’t have my housemate saying I-told-you-so. Vote No, then feign excitement when the Yes vote wins.

Oh hello Ajax. The mighty Greek warrior. Where did you come from? Part Staffy (lazy), part Border Collie (hyperactive). Confused, like a three-toed sloth on amphetamines. Sleep in the dirt… ROUND UP FLIES… slowly lick testicles… JUMP THE FENCE AND RUN AWAY.

Bloody guitar is out of tune. Daylight saving almost certainly to blame. Excessive heating (expansion) and cooling (contraction) of strings. Top E always goes to E flat. Damn you Matt Birney.

What song should I play Ajax? Paranoid Android you reckon. Radiohead again? What did my mother say once? Mickey why can’t you play some happy songs? Like what? Like… I Love the Nightlife. Most I’ve ever laughed. OK, I’m in tune boy. Let’s go.

“Please can you stop the noise I’m tryin’ to get some rest…”

Vegetable garden is looking miserable. Corn and beans stunted, tomato yield down. Can’t even spare any to throw at the phonebox. Last season an old granny came to see the corn. Talk of the retirement village, or so she reckoned. Not so this year. Where are you random grandma? Improvements must be made. Note to self: Conduct bankable feasibility study into garden expansion, plus acquisition of a Chinaman’s hat and team of buffalo.

“Ambition makes you look pretty ugly…”

Little bottlebrushes are improving. Straight, dignified and independent. Had to untie them from their stakes because they weren’t progressing. Sink or swim, I said. Now or never. Like a mum sending her babies off to pre-school. In the first days they drooped like overworked gigolos. Had to resist the urge to interfere. So proud they’ve come good.

“Raaaiiin down, rain down, c’mon raaaiiin down on me…”

Ah, another recycler emptying their little yellow bin into the big yellow bin. Every day a reminder that people care. As Kevin Costner said in Field of Dreams: If you build it, they will come. As I say to a right-leaning friend of mine: It’s global warming, it’s David Hicks, it’s recycling… it’s just the vibe.

“God loves his children, yeah!”

Get off me you stinky mongrel. Rolling in dead kangaroos again. You can take the dog out of Kambalda, but you can’t take Kambalda out of the dog.

Next week: Ajax's perspective.