Kalgoorlie Miner (15): Uncertainty

In 1927, young German physicist Werner Heisenberg discovered that the more accurately one measures a sub-atomic particle's velocity at any instant, the less accurately one is able to measure that particle's position in space. He wrote down his findings, rewarded himself with an super-sized bratwurst and sauerkraut value meal, then downed 13 steins of lager at the local beer hall.* He fell while clumsily attempting a complex German dance step, and was thrown out by over-zealous security guards.*

Next morning he decided that, in order for his theory to catch on, it would need a really mintox name. Unfortunately, due to a cruel mind-numbing hangover, the best he could come up with was "The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle" (today he'd have to call it something like "The Werner3000 Xtreme Particulator System" in order to be noticed).

Despite it's inglorious name Werner's principle soon turned the world on it's head (at least it would have if the world actually possessed a head), because it revealed to physicists that they could never achieve perfect predictive knowledge of the sub-atomic environment – something that, up until that point, had been thought obtainable.

This all seems very boring, despite my attempts to "sex it up", doesn't it? Well look into my eyes much-loved reader (in the eyes, not around the eyes) and promise me that you won't turn the page just yet. Soon the subject will switch to cricket and skimpies - it really will.

One effect of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is that no matter how closely we look at the physical world, there will always be blurriness. Just when we believe we are on the threshold of gaining perfect understanding, we discover that our goal is as far away as ever.

Cricket broadcasters use increasingly complex technology every summer as part of their quest to come up with the perfect judgement of a dismissal, apparently unaware that young Werner doomed them to failure back in 1927. Channel Nine could study a caught-behind decision with an electron microscope and still be uncertain if the leather atom struck the willow atom – just as uncertain as the umpire who watched the event with the naked eye.

Lesson One: Like a cartoon donkey chasing a dangling carrot strapped to his head, so is the person who strives for perfect knowledge.

Say you wanted to check out (insert name of semi-precious gemstone here) – the newest skimpy at the Federal Hotel. From across the bar she might look glamorous, maybe even better right up close, but what would happen if you studied her with a magnifying glass (assuming you don’t get kicked out), determined to see her beauty on a whole new level? You may start to uncover imperfections – a mole on her back, fine hair on her upper lip, tiny wrinkles around her eyes – and your worship of her as an impeccable goddess fades. By finding fault in her detail, you forget her general loveliness.

Lesson Two: While striving for detailed knowledge should be encouraged, it is important to remember the bigger picture. Be sure to see the trees AND the forest.

So think about Werner next time you’re at the pub. Study the effect of alcohol on blurriness and scribble your own thesis onto a beer coaster. Scream “Don’t you know the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle?” at Ian Chappell when he starts his inevitable whinge about umpiring standards. Quantum physics is fun!

* Almost certainly not true.