Kalgoorlie Miner (11): Information

Loyal readers of this column will remember last week’s hypothetical everyman, who’s ordered existence at the Broad Arrow Tavern was thrown into chaos by the arrival of a nightclub and kebab shop. Disloyal readers should hang their heads in shame, recite fourty Hail Marys, and read on in search of redemption.

Regardless of which camp you are in, prepare now to let your imagination run wild as we rejoin our lovable simpleton on his perilous journey through modern life (if this was television the screen would go all blurry now, and a harp would start playing).

Old mate is perched at the bar of the Broady listening to RadioWest on his first ever wireless, which just arrived in the mail from the big smoke. After a short while, and despite his limited intellect, he tires of listening to the nauseating rememberance of yesteryear and switches to the ABC where, after a few inoffensive jokes from a delightfully smug chap called “Ted Bull”, the news headlines come on:

“Kambalda invades Widgiemooltha for rich nickel reserves: insurgents fight back. Rising sea levels swallow statues on Lake Ballard: tourists numbers fall, Menzies residents struck by poverty. Celebrity shock: Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughan split."

He is startled by all this suffering, nearly toppling off his bar stool, and becomes concerned that Widgie terrorists or global warming may destroy his beloved home. He is also desperate to know who Jennifer and Vince are, and why they felt it necessary to separate.

In order to keep abreast of developments, he decides to subscribe to the Kalgoorlie Miner newspaper; an outstanding and impartial journal that is worth every cent of it's crazy low price - or so he has heard.

He reads the paper cover to cover every day, but starts to become confused. In the Kalgoorlie Miner, the Widgiemooltha combatants claim that they are "freedom fighters", not terrorists, and a man in a cowboy hat says that global warming is "a pack of lies", even though all the qualified labcoat-wearing scientists say that it's true.

He begins to feel less certain about life than ever and, despite nothing having changed at Broad Arrow, decides to lock his doors at night to keep out Widgie terrorists, Menzies refugees and that nasty love rat Vince Vaughan. He lies sleepless worrying about rising sea levels and the fate of poor Jennifer, who is so unlucky in love (cue blurry screen and harp music).

Last week our unfortunate friend found out that greater choice can cause greater stress, and he has now discovered that more information can lead to more uncertainty, fear, and helplessness.

Of course just like choice last week, more information is a good thing, but the dilemma for the modern person is that they must suffer either the guilt that comes with ignoring everything that happens to unfamiliar people in far-flung places, or the sense of helplessness that comes with taking it all to heart.

Well, luckily for us, a clever person came up with a solution: "Think Global, Act Local".

So if you want to stop global warming then don't have baked beans for breakfast. If you want world peace then invite someone from Boulder over for tea and scones (keep an eye on your silverware though). If you want more laughter then write a ridiculous opinion column for the local newspaper.

Before you do anything ask: "What would the effect be if everyone did what I'm about to do?"